I feel as if I have bubbles in my joints. They move and grow and every change hurts so badly I can’t stop myself from crying.
I’ve put out a request for biohacking help as it doesn’t seem like my current routines (which have been stable enough for normal work) are doing the trick any longer.
It’s hard sometimes to tell the difference between pain itself and the fear of the pain not relenting when the pain becomes acute. I get scared that the ever increasing pain won’t be controllable.
I’ll riffle through NSAIDs, Tramadol, and the dreaded stronger options as I do box breathing and voo-hum breathes. I’m practiced at throwing my attention away from the pain but the physiological impact is the same even if my mind can distance itself.
Before I was first diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis and psoriatic arthritis, I had doctors try to convince me it was all in my head. “Take an Ativan!” I’ve never quite lost the fear that I won’t be taken seriously as pain management is such a clusterfork in America.
Addicts abound and doctors are often skeptical and malicious. It can feel as if those of us with chronic pain from illness will never be able to get enough distance between our genuine needs and the “drug seeking” junkies in crisis on our streets. We get treated like criminals with suspicion while zombies on the streets find other ways.
I’ve never known the supposed euphoria of an opioid like OxyContin as for me the rare occasion where I take on feels more like a brief respite from horror. There is no joy or ebullience. Only a mind of normality of function and clarity of mind which I imagine normal life is like for most people.