Tag: Inner Child

Categories
Emotional Work

Day 179 and Invasion

As a child I felt that I wasn’t always wanted. Whether or not this is true is somewhat beside the point. What we feel as children lingers in our emotional profile for the rest of our lives. The flip side of feeling unwanted for me is feeling invaded when someone wants me. Ironic right? Talk about a “careful what you wish for” situation.

To overcome feeling unwanted as a child I developed the capacity to draw attention. Despite wanting nothing more than to be wanted, now as an adult I can negatively when people do in fact want me. It’s a perverse double edged belief system born out of a child’s logic. Because I so badly wanted to feel wanted for so long the hurt and fear of that experience lingers.

I’ve written in some detail about the complex relationship I have with being wanted and the expectations I feel when I am the center of someone’s attention. It’s not an emotional pattern I’ve cleared yet. But I’m trying to notice how it impacts my life. Because if you get what you want you also need to want what you get. I want to be learn to be comfortable being wanted.

If I don’t break this pattern I’ll he caught in the same cycle of attraction and repulsion for the rest of my life. Because I’m not actually feeling invaded in many cases. I am feeling the memory of the hurt of being unwanted. Rather than accept the closeness I said I wanted it feels safer to push it away. But that’s no way to live. We can all break our childhood trauma. So I’ll keep at it.

Categories
Emotional Work

Day 165 and Somebody Wants You

Yesterday I asked why I wasn’t doing anything to cultivate an audience. I asked for feedback on why I wasn’t seeking attention when, well, writing in public leaves open the possibility of getting attention.

As it turns out I have a complicated emotional relationship to attention. Because I’m really good at it. I get paid to get attention. But I resent it. And I resent it because I felt unwanted as a child. Which is how I got so good at getting attention.

I have to remind myself feeling wanted as a child isn’t my fault. I didn’t do anything wrong. I was a kid. It’s not even really my parents’ fault. Kids just pick up on shit and then they learn how to get what they want. And I wanted to feel wanted. So I developed a knack for being the center of attention.

Which is a long winded way of saying the second I put on external expectation on this writing from others, especially the expectation of having the attention of others, I’ll put myself into a cycle of feeling unwanted. I’ll perform to get attention. Then I’ll resent the attention. Then I’ll feel pressure to keep the attention.

And that’s not why I started writing. I did it for me. I’m afraid if there are days where I don’t have something to offer then I’ll revert back to being a useless kid who isn’t wanted. Then I’ll dive into ways to get attention. I will make content that is wanted. I’ll resent it when I get it because I should be wanted without performing. And well you see where I’m going with this.

Nothing ever fills the hole of those early childhood emotions. And I absolutely do not want this space to turn into something performative to get love and attention. If it gets attention just for existing then that’s ok.

But the pressure to give something to others is work. I can make spaces for work. Twitter is half workspace for me. But this blog isn’t for work. I talk about things I work on but that’s not the point really.

This is a space for the somebody that wants me. And I’m the somebody that wants me. And if you want me too that’s great. I’m glad you are here. I want you too. But no pressure or expectations. We can just have fun with it.

Categories
Aesthetics Chronicle

Day 116 and Taking Up Space

I take up a lot of space. I spend time on social media because there is so much space you can literally be the President or a celebrity billionaire industrialist and there are still corners of the web you don’t penetrate. There is a lot of room for loudmouths, so much so that even someone like me still has plenty of room. I barely rate on the Elon Musk attention scale. Even when I’m screaming at best I crack into D-list zeitgeist. It’s like the privacy that comes with living in New York City. You can have some notoriety but the web doesn’t care. I like how you can feel alone.

The irony of course is that I think no one is paying attention to me. I think I’m an average Joe nobody that no one ever notices. This despite the fact that I am paid to be an expert in getting attention. No literally I cost a fortune (I’m worth every penny) but I’m somehow convinced I’m invisible personally. I can feel lost in a lonely world where I’m not even sure the people that love me the most can see me. I’m stuck in some lonely portion of my childhood where I felt abandoned so I’m replaying it out now as an adult. It’s not great but I get something from it.

Except this is a fantasy that is not true. I’m not that child anymore and I know how to get attention. I’m not alone. Even when I’m not consciously drawing energy to myself, people do see me. I can simply be myself and be seen. I command attention. It’s who I am.

You always think as a kid you will get some cool superpower like laser eyes or flying but nope you are going to get a super power like public relations or brand marketing. And honestly, when I’m not a self pitying victim I know those to be awesome super powers. You can make money and direct business and politics with those super powers. I just though I’d get something a little more aesthetic you know? It’s dope but also like adult superpowers are a letdown for your inner child.

I just need to remind adult me that I am seen. That even my normal personality not exerting her will force onto the universe is actually still quite visible. I can just exist and I’ll be holding space for myself. And it’s a good space with plenty of room for all of me. And still intimate enough to feel the love around me.