Tag: Happiness

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Emotional Work Preparedness

Day 380 and Decisive

I’ve felt decisive recently. I’ve been confronting significant and life changing decisions the last few weeks and sailing through them. I’ve never felt more at ease making commitments in my life.

It’s not that I’m particularly prone to paralysis by analysis. Generally I’ve been able to move quickly and without undue agony over my choices. But I think within the last two months I’ve simply got my limit with taking the safe course. Maybe it’s a Covid thing and now that I’ve both been vaccinated and had an infection I no longer feel like I can continue with the same safety practices that the early pandemic did. With the election over and the existential threats of insurrections and instability now existing as a permanent worry, I just put off major decisions. I can’t wait for better times or more information. I need to live adaptability now.

So I bought a house. I committed to the process of buying land in another state for a long term resilience based homestead. I’ve planned trips travel. And not nearby regions like travel. I’m going international. I’m meeting people I haven’t seen for years. In some cases I’m meeting people I’ve only ever known online because socializing has been entirely remote for going on three years. That’s an inhumane way to live for extended periods. Even the most introverted person still needs connections. I’ve started making decisions to live my life. I need to live like a future exists or I will never ever escape. As soon as I made the decision to believe in a future again decisions flowed easily.

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Emotional Work

Day 375 and Masochism

I recently got yelled at by several people who love me because I was torturing myself over something that wasn’t really important.

My therapist asked me why I insist on being so sadistic towards my own body. I told her I was afraid that if I wasn’t perpetually in a state of self improvement no one would love me. The topic came up because I had allowed myself to get hurt in physical therapy. “Why would you push till the pain was intolerable? That’s insane!”

And I had to answer honestly that everything in my life is headed in the right direction. There was no major crisis or illness or disaster this week, so I felt like I had the bandwidth to add in another “self improvement” project. To which she replied “so you can’t ever just enjoy being yourself can you?”

That kind of floored me because it’s true. As soon as I feel like I’ve got things under control, I’ll add a little bit more to the pile so I can feel like I’m making progress. I am a masochist. Joy is fleeting. Better is always worth pursuing. Maybe you feel compelled to be torturing yourself too.

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Emotional Work

Day 370 and Grindstone

Today felt like the first day everyone was really back at work after the winter holiday. As much as Americans like to bitch about how Europe takes off August or China takes off January or February or whenever the Lunar New Year lands, we take off much of December. Around mid-month folks drop off the radar and nothing gets done till about Epiphany or so. And they say we aren’t a Christian nation.

So while technically we all came back to work on Monday, today is the first day I really felt like I was back. Maybe it’s because December was such a clusterfuck of a month for me. I had Covid, I tore a ligament, Boulder County burned down. I know this is a petty complaint but I didn’t get a Christmas tree because I couldn’t walk and then I was quarantined. So it was going to take a few days to really shake that off and come into the energy of January.

But I felt back today. Like maybe I could fucking do this. Like all the catastrophic nonsense was shit I could mitigate. And all the optimistic stuff was achievable. And I am going all in on optimism. I’m going to Montana soon to check out towns as I’m just ready to own something more rural. I’m wrapping my head around owning something that is a winter seasonal home. I booked a trip to Europe in a really extreme leap of faith that Omicon will run its course by spring. And I am ready to close some deals I’ve been working on for the last month or so. So fuck yeah grindstone. Im ready.

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Aesthetics Internet Culture

Day 369 and Reeeee!!!

Maybe it’s human nature to be a bit catastrophic. We are so self centered we thought the sun revolved around us. Took centuries of science for someone to propose another framework. Completely revolutionized science by thinking hey what if what we think is true isn’t?

Narcissistic thinking is our vibe. But also Jesus fuck it feels like the world is going to hell. What if I am living in uniquely bad times? Maybe this is just old person thinking and I need to accept I can’t see reality with sparkling clarity. Or at least the most optimistic permutations of reality. Time isn’t linear and all.

I’m simultaneously planning for an incredibly positive future while I’m also freaking the fuck out. It’s straight up Dickensian. Best of times worse of times. On the one hand I have never been more excited about where technology is headed. Web 3 really might move forward a freer more open market capitalism for everyone. But also my county is on fire and a thousand homes were destroyed in a fire brought on by drought and heat and bad land use.

It’s just extremely jarring to be living a positive optimistic life where I’m excited to buy a home and invest in new founders while also incorporating risk from climate change and political instability. And I won’t even get into whether we need to give a fuck about the pandemic anymore

Pepe frog in a rage in red background

It’s enough to make you go REEEEEEE. Which is a meme that I think should freak me out a little as it bubbled up in kek rare pepe memes on 4chan. Which have filtered into some safe uses but are still tightly wound to meme magic alt-right. But that’s part of why everything is so scary today! Am I a Nazi fascist for using this meme? Who knows! Reeeeeee!! Cancel me daddy!

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Startups

Day 360 and Have Fun

I’ve got a friend who is a world class talent in their field. I admire what they do. But their ability is fairly is specific to what they do at a startup and doesn’t transfer easily to different stages. They recently took a job at a different stage and I’m a little afraid for them. What if it breaks them? What if they get burnout? I am projecting a lot onto this friend at the moment as I am also a fairly specific kind of talent. I’m an early stage person.

The reason I’m so sensitive is I’ve been broken by being in the wrong roles or working on the wrong problems. I tried to change myself to fit something I was only a 7 at when I knew I could be working on something where I was a 10. I hurt myself to fit in.

The hardest part about startups is they are genuinely life altering. It’s hard to make something new. Every harder to nurture and grow and sustain it. Creativity is fucking hard. Every time I criticize a project I do it with a hitch in my heart. I know even the shitty failures were the honest best work of people who cared. And often when it’s a success it’s not because any of them were better than anyone else. We are all fighting our hardest battles. Sometimes by the grace of God our work gets lucky.

So in the meantime I think we should all be having fucking fun. I only commit to founders who so clearly want to solve the problems in front of them. That passion cannot be forged. Real interest and focus are such potent forces. You feel it in your bones. Doesn’t have to be a huge world changing problem either. You can just really love your little corner of the universe.

So don’t try to fit yourself into a role for money or status. Pick a startup because it’s going to be a blast with people you love. Make sure as much of the work will be your particular brand of fun. Maybe to someone else it would be hard work. But if you pick right it will be fun even if it takes all of you to do it to the standard of your passion. And if you are very lucky sometimes it works.

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Biohacking Emotional Work

Day 349 and Vibing

When I injured my ankle two weeks ago I was angry. I had been so focused on doing things. Every day was packed with obligations and routines. Walking, supplements, weight lifting, stretching and appointments all took up huge portions of my day. So I wasn’t exactly thrilled to add in an entirely new thing to my day. I was worried it would set me back on my progress both at work and with my health.

And yet it’s been delightful. I’ve just kind of let things happen. I’ve been in bed. I haven’t been pushing to get in steps or raise my heart rate. I’m just vibing. Whatever the day brings I’m taking it in.

And I feel fantastic. My mind is sharp. I’m moving forward all the projects and investments I prioritize. It feels like by pulling back on all my other routines because I needed my ligaments to heal I’ve suddenly improved everything else in my life. It feels like life is fun again. That I’m spending my time on things that make me happy.

It reminds me of a favorite line from my therapist. “Be a human being not a human doing.” Was it possible in my efforts to improve my resting heart rate or put gains on my lifts that I was affecting my happiness and my intellect? By trying to improve myself had I been making myself miserable? Once again I’m learning that just letting myself live is the best way to achieve my goals. If you feel stuck maybe just chill and vibe for a bit?

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Emotional Work

Day 347 and Self Acceptance

Because a huge chunk of this writing exercise has been tagged under “emotional work” I’ve had the good fortune of chronicling much of my emotional growth this year. A huge theme? Learning to love myself. I know, it’s pretty core stuff. You are probably working on the same thing as me. Just because it’s fundamental doesn’t mean it’s easy!

My favorite coping mechanism is working harder. Didn’t get what I wanted? It’s my fault. Maybe if I’d put in make work I would have! I’ve got a whole circle of abuse I pour on myself. It’s always my responsibility if something didn’t work out. Not happy? Time for self improvement. It’s rarely occurs to me that I should simply accept myself and that sometimes things simply don’t go my way. I don’t seek out self improvement for the joy of it. I do it to punish myself.

I’m terrified of letting go of my coping mechanisms. If I was good enough I would have felt loved as a child. This is a horrible inner child logic that I’m applying to myself. As if an infant deserves love because of its efforts. We love our children just for existing. And yet I struggle to express love for my own inner child.

If I stop using hard work as a coping mechanism I am afraid I’ll never be accepted again. If I let it loop even further I am afraid I will die. Because I fear I only overcame my health issues because I throw so much effort into recovery. I am afraid it is only through effort, punishment and improvement that I deserve to be in this world. Any wonder I find Calvinism appealing as a faith?

I tell myself these are rational coping mechanisms. The world does reward me for hard work and continual efforts towards improvement. I pay my bills through hard work. And sure if I don’t pursue basic healthy habits and fitness then yes I probably won’t feel as well. But these arguments are just an excuse to keep myself from accepting that I’m worthy as a human independent of my work or my health. And because I have a hard time hearing this for myself I want you to know you are worthy just for being you too. Our humanity is enough.

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Emotional Work

Day 344 and That Was Easy

I’ve been off my feet all week because of my ankle injury. That means no weightlifting, no long walks, no breaks to raise my heart rate once an hour. I’ve been in a state of rest and recovery. And my mind has never felt sharper.

My quantified self data suggests I’m more recovered than I’ve been the entire year. My resting heart rate is a full 40% better than average. I’ve added in a few new routines to facilitate healing including infrared sauna, applied hot and cold therapy, percussive massage and electro-stimulation. But I really think it’s all the extra rest I’ve been getting.

I can feel it in my desire to do frivolous things just for the joy of it. But I can also feel it in my skyrocketing motivation. Some long term projects are coming into fruition in ways that not only meet my goals but wildly exceed them. Like all of the power I’ve ever imagined having is completely reasonable. I don’t even feel like I need to suffer for it. It’s there because I have joyfully brought myself it it.

It’s quite possible the lesson I should take away from this is that constantly pushing myself for improvements through hard work and pain is completely the wrong approach to getting what I want. That real power comes from letting yourself live within the rhythms of your own life. Letting what you want flow through you means sometimes it will be easy. And that’s ok too. Let yourself succeed with the power of your own unique approach. It’s the most differentiated thing. And difference is always an edge.

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Emotional Work

Day 334 and Antsy

I felt unfocused and moody all day. I have had several pieces of good news this week and rather than enjoy the success I let myself unravel a little bit over the things I want but don’t yet have. In particular I am feeling cooped up by the prospect of another winter without travel or family.

I know full well that learning to appreciate and enjoy the moment is the route to happiness, but knowing it in your conscience mind isn’t the same as knowing it unconsciously in your core emotions. And I am feeling sadness and frustration deeply which is getting in the way of appreciating the happiness I do have.

The particularly maddening thing is that rather than focus on what I can do now to further my goals I procrastinated today. For me it’s not always easy to delineate between what is me talking care of my health and what is me simply putting off unpleasant tasks. I have willpower (an over abundance of it if my 334 straight days of writing say much) so I’m not prone to procrastination. Which means when it does sneak up on me I lack the skills an average 7 year old has. Note to self, practice procrastination and overcoming it.

I’m glad I have this space to write out my feelings and thoughts as it does help to notice them. Without observing and honoring your emotions it is very hard to get out of reactive cycles. So I’m antsy because I’m sad about being unable to travel freely without fear to see my loved ones. Of course that kind of emotion makes one unfocused and moody. Recognizing this is the first step in letting go of it.

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Emotional Work

Day 333 and Calm Passion

I was listening to someone discuss an emotional moment in his life. In his description of the moment, he slowly enunciated out three syllables. In his stillness I didn’t quite catch it. Calm passion. What actually said was compassion. But my mind fell in love with the idea of calm passion. I heard what I needed.

In learning to be more loving to myself I would like not just compassion but calm passion. That the intimacy of being present for one’s own life need not be a struggle feels ambitious. But that’s why I like the idea that passions can be calm.

I associate the word calm with a lack of attachment. I mean that positively. Not necessarily in the strictly Buddhist sense. Though certainly in the same spirit. That one can experience life calmly with peaceful detachment while still having the passion of being intimately present has whiff of nirvana to it. Passionate without the energy of any other emotion high or low to see-saw or whiplash you. Calm passion.