Categories
Emotional Work

Day 999 and Auspicious

Tomorrow is the big day in my daily writing experiment. I am chuffed to see 999 on the title. It seems very auspicious to me. While 888 was a lucky day, today’s number feels like I’m on the cusp of something.

I am set to travel to the Baltics shortly. Perhaps I’ll find some next phase on the adventure of life. I need this optimism today as I don’t feel particularly lucky or auspicious today. I unexpectedly had a few things go wrong this morning and then was rewarded for it with a migraine. I was very angry about it as I had a lot of exciting things planned for the day.

I have to remember that trying to get to the larger numbers is about compounding the many small days filled with mistakes, imperfections and failures. Life happens all around you at inconvenient times. It’s how you muddle through at your goals steadily over time.

Categories
Culture

Day 997 and Brain Fog

I have felt a bit disappointed in my recent writing. I’ve not felt the urge to produce anything of much substance or synthesis in a week or two.

The exercise of writing daily isn’t meant to produce anything but the consistent repetition of a habit of critical thinking about my daily experiences. I sometimes have to accept that there will be weeks where it all feels a bit half baked. I’ve got no conclusions to share.

I am not the only one experiencing a lack of clarity. Confident assurances read as naive at best or manipulative at worst. No one is certain of anything at the moment. The widening gyre has our best struggling with conviction.

I have been following Venkatash Rao’s working theory on the breakdown of world narratability in his series on Protocal Narratives. If you are not a Ribbonfarm reader I’d encourage you to begin.

He is grappling very well with these themes considering the deep sense making challenges facing all of us. Attempting to find workable worldviews that are manageable to our human minds is a challenge as consensus reality is a competition between thousands of different competing narratives.

To retain fluidity, you must retain an unmediated connection to reality. But the unaugmented brain is clearly not enough for that connection to be tractable to manage.


How do you resolve this paradox?


I think the trick is to inhabit more than one interposing intelligence layer. If you’re only an economist or only a deep-state institutionalist, you’ll retreat to a fixed logic of caring; a terminal derp.

Fluid Fogs and Fixed Flows

I’m doing my best to stay out of terminal derp but I’m still feeling like the fog is impeding my view. I’ll just have to keep putting out my own beacons and hope the lighthouse network illuminates enough for us to navigate together.

Categories
Chronicle

Day 990 and Rounding The Turn

You see the marker up in the title that says “Day 990?” Yeah, it means I’m getting close to a thousand straight days of writing.

It’s not a thousand posts interspersed over years or weeks or decades. Though that would still be impressive. It’s a thousand days in a row of writing. No days off. No vacations. No missed days. Every single day I write something and post it on here publicly.

I got started with this experiment in the middle of the pandemic on January 1st 2021. A lot has happened in the intervening years. And I’ve chronicled so much that happened in my own life. I still have quite a bit of 2023 to go but if you want to see my favorite posts from 2022 and 2021.

Because I approach this as a habit, I am intending to make to my thousandth post but I can’t say for sure even with ten days left that I’ll make it. A lot can happen in ten days so it’s entirely possible I won’t. Though the odds have never been better.

I do intend to continue the habit of writing every single day past day 1000th. It would be weird to stop in the middle of the year and I like the symmetry of an entire year of writing as much as I aspire to write Day 1000 in a title.

At this point changing how I write would be an adjustment. I often wonder if I could manage being more polished or more researched or more focused. But I suspect that those types of documents come on their own timelines and I’d simply write more to accommodate them. I wouldn’t necessarily want to lose this daily journaling habit. Something about keeping it simple and consistent appeals to me. So I’ll round the turn and see if I make it to the finish line. And then I’ll see if I keep going.

Categories
Chronicle

Day 955 and Logging

I keep a private journal of my daily life and it’s undulating metrics addition to this daily public log that has now stretched into its nine hundredth and fifty fifth day.

I use an application called Day One that is actually now integrated with my blogging software Jetpack so I probably could easily put the archives online. In an era of closed social media walled gardens, it’s nice to trust your open source software provider. Thanks WordPress for having my back for nearly twenty years.

Having a log of your life over a long enough period of time is a blessing and a curse. I noticed an upsetting anniversary when I opened up Day One today. I lost someone last summer and had forgotten that today was the day. Sometimes memory can be kind to you. I wasn’t thrilled with the reminder of the pain. But I’m glad that it was marked.

Categories
Biohacking Medical

Day 949 and Stomach Stuff

I was very excited for today. My first Monday with my new schedule after my “season of no” cleared the calendar.

I am into the day brimming with optimism. Naturally, it was only fair that I lost my entire day to some kind of stomach bug.

I am experimenting with a new GLP1 agonist and have found the side effects to be troublesome. I made an attempt to have a protein shake and it cascaded from there. So I don’t have much to say today except that my biohacking went awry so I’ve got little to say.

Instead I’ll recommend you go read my post from yesterday on assigning value. It’s some thoughts on alignment for artificial intelligence and the impossible task of being sure we all share the same idea of value.

Categories
Chronicle Emotional Work

Day 941 and Unreasonable

Today marks our one year anniversary of moving to Montana. I noted yesterday just how much we achieved in just 365 days.

I’ve tended to think in terms of time in terms of days over the past three years because no other metric seemed sensible. Too much changes every day even as too little seems to be different.

I do believe that what gets measured gets managed. So it makes sense that someone like me who writes every single day thinks that days are the manageable metric. Not that being manageable means anything is under control. Merely that I have some metric to measure back into to make life seem more reasonable.

I am however all too human. We are feeling animals with the capacity to reason. It’s important that it’s not the other way around. Much as I like to reason my way through life I’ve learned to remember feelings matter. This has made me both much more open and also much more careful about how I treat myself.

I suppose this makes me unreasonable simply by definition. Humans are unreasonable because we do not operate through reason entirely I’d encourage even my most autistic friends to remember that this means you are unreasonable too.

Narratives are the comfort we seek as our apophenia runs rampant. Spotting the one thing that is not like the others is how we survive. We seek sense in the chaos. It’s an unreasonable thing to do when we know we’ve not yet managed to measure even a fraction of our reality. One day I hope I come to terms with that.

Categories
Internet Culture Media

Day 937 and Conspiracy’s Greatest Hits

The rising volume on complaints about the mainstream media has struck me as a little bit silly as I’ve been entrenched in skepticism of institutional authority my whole life. Thinking the news had a bias isn’t new and conspiracy is practically an American art form. So be careful out there.

When I was a kid in the late nineties we still had the national broadcast evening news as the center of discourse. I was considered a bit odd for being interested in news at a young age but my hippie parent had a healthy skepticism for institutional authority so they encouraged it.

I remember before the mass adoption of social media and self publishing, if you wanted an alternative perspective you had to turn to AM radio. If you were lucky you lived in a college town and had access to library cooperatives and computer labs. If you were very lucky like me, your parents had invested in personal computers and internet access early on so you could mix formal libraries with early choose your own adventure newsgroups online.

Thanks to the confluence of the above factors I read Adbusters, went to the local anarchist book cooperative and listened to Art Bell late at night. I was practically stewed in every early conspiracy and counter culture narrative that had any amount of reach. If a zine cared or an indie publisher could cobble together a story I read it. This lead to a general fascination with media and how Americans decided on what was credible and what viewpoints were discouraged.

I was a curious child. My family welcomed skeptics and mystics. This is perhaps what happens when you take children on meditation retreats. I got inoculated to a lot of crazies, cults and whackadoodles because America has always been where utopians gather. Our evangelical cultures have led to uniquely American interpretations of our Gods. And I loved nothing more than watching these subcultures flourish.

My family bought a cable news package and I watched CNN and Fox News battle it out. I read Naomi Klein and Marshal McLuhan. I convinced my mother to get me a subscription to the Economist when I was fifteen. Embarrassingly I used their motto in a year book quote. I talked my way into a job famed talk radio juggernaut 77WABC when still technically in high school.

If there is one thing I learned from this lifelong obsession with who controls what we think, it’s that we rely on the same simple narratives over and over again. The conspiracies of yesterday are the facts of today. We change our minds. We recycle the same prophecy. If you start seeing a lot of chatter about aliens remember we’ve had this news cycle before.

Categories
Aesthetics

Day 930 and Quantity

I was very kindly tagged in a Twitter thread today with a lovely compliment about my daily writing habits. Does quantity have its own quality? As I close in on a thousand posts I think my answer is a strong “maybe!”

What are your favorite examples of “Quantity has a quality all its own?”
Examples:
@tylercowen writing a post a day, a column a month and a book a year for two decades
Kanye’s “5 beats a day for 3 summers”
Seinfeld’s “Don’t break the chain” one joke a day. Reply from Alan Simon @ almostmedia She’s not for everyone, but she’s been very dedicated and is approaching her 1,000th daily post.

One aspect of creation that is perhaps a bit understudied is just how much it is dominated by the truly prolific. The outliers practice a lot. Every single day I practice because I both enjoy it and I trust that doing a thing over time improves the thing. You can imagine how this predisposition makes me sympathetic to Calvinism.

I credit hippie parenting and the Waldorf curriculum. I was taught early on that it was good to make things even if you sucked at it. So I just spent a lot of my time sucking at creative endeavors and not finding it all that discouraging as I don’t mind being embarrassed.

So I suppose my quantity has demonstrated its own quality in its sheer persistence. Reminding yourself to do a daily practice has its benefits over time if you can stand it. Personally for me writing has always has a kind of blind optimism that has never been beaten out of me. I am a writer. I write. If it every becomes more than that I wouldn’t mind but I don’t need it to. The thing has been it’s own reward.

Categories
Reading

Day 898 and Bangers

I don’t typically look back on my posts except in my end of year round ups in December when I try to come to grips with another trip around the sun. But a friend mentioned they had really enjoyed this week so I went and looked back. And I’d say this week is all bangers.

That’s not really typical as I have ups and downs as you’d expect from any daily habit. One of my promises to myself when I began this experiment was to not judge where I was on any given day and simply practice. But I sure brought the fucking goods this week.

On Monday I wrote a love letter to my husband about not celebrating birthdays on his birthday. On Tuesday I wrote about how writing helps you think and why this is a different skill set than being valuable to others. On Wednesday I wrote about how to avoid being an NPC (non-playable character in your own life) and why this agency emerges from empathy. On Thursday I wrote about witnessing pain in others as someone who lives in chronic pain. And on Friday I wrote about the suddenly and then all at once of declaring email bankruptcy.

I don’t think I’ve ever had a streak as good. I think my email bankruptcy post is probably the best of the bunch as a narrative as it’s a story I think anyone who has lived a longtime online will enjoy. But it’s a toss up between between the others as to which has the most emotional resonance.

If you are in love perhaps it’s my husbands birthday that will speak to you. If you have someone sick in your life or are in the throes of pain that’s probably the winner. But the one that can change your life with a metaphor? Probably the NPC post. I hope if you stumble across this roundup today I hope you will go read the bangers as I’m very proud of the quality of my work this week. Practice does indeed work. Thanks Allen Iverson!

Categories
Media

Day 894 and Helping Yourself Think

I write to help myself think. I didn’t realize just how much better I’d become at thinking through problems in my own life by becoming a more frequent writer but it’s been true.

If anything I thought it was the opposite. I thought if I became a better thinker I’d somehow also become I’d become a better writer. Lol, I had the process reversed. The video I link to below really hammers in the point. This video clip of Larry McEnerney, from the University of Chicago hit my mind like a fucking gong.

If you are writing to help yourself think you produce content along one axis. It’s valuable to you because it’s helping you make sense of the world. My writing helps me think and that’s why I personally find it valuable.

It’s also a totally different skill set to make writing valuable to someone else. You are writing for an audience of yourself generally when you write to help yourself think. Writing so someone else understands it is a is horizontal problem to you writing to make yourself understand.

You may or may not have an audience but if you want one you have to make something valuable. But remember the first step in doing so is providing value to yourself. And much as it is painful to hear what you find valuable isn’t always going to be what others find valuable. And that’s ok because the first customer of your thought process is yourself.