Tag: Stream of Consciousnesses

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Emotional Work

Day 259 and Easing into Habits

Considering I’ve been writing every single day for two hundred and fifty nine straight days you’d think I’d have encountered more writer’s block. But I generally find myself capable of putting the proverbial pen to paper. Well in this case it is thumbs to mobile application layer but that doesn’t sound as evocative.

Even today when I had no discernible topic at the ready I am finding that words will spill out so long as I make the effort to form a thought and codify it to written form. While I had the notion that I had little to say today I am still able to say something. I am saying something about having nothing to say but it’s the act that counts.

It’s not that it’s necessarily a worthy entry, but rather a reminder to myself that the act of doing forces it’s own discipline. It’s practice. I am learning that doing something can be easy as long as I let myself relax into the momentum of doing it without expectations or pressure. This must be what all those sports speeches about practice are on about.

Seeing writing as a habit rather than an inspiration or performance likely helps. I’ve come to view the activity as similar to exercise, taking vitamins or brushing my teeth. Perhaps it’s more cognitively demanding but it’s no less part of the daily rhythm.

I’d like that to be true of more of the activities in my life. Being able to view professional necessities as habits is a sure way to see them not as exhausting “to do” lists but rather enjoyable easy daily practices. Sure it will start out harder but eventually it will become easier.

Categories
Preparedness

Day 258 and Snacks

I’ve never been much of a snacker. I eat at mealtimes, and for many years that only included lunch and dinner as I practiced intermittent fasting. I like to eat bigger portions and a bunch of different things in one sitting. For whatever reason, I am a meal person.

My husband on the other hand is dedicated to grazing. Unless I specifically tell him to leave food for me it will disappear. Not because he sneaks my food, but rather I just don’t get to things fast enough. I’ll ask what happened to some treat and Alex will sigh and say “you bought that six weeks ago!” If I don’t plan to eat something it gets forfeit.

But occasionally I’ll get it into my head that I should buy some snacks. I tell myself it would be nice to have something salty in the house. Or I think I’d enjoy some fruit snacks (the one item I truly coveted as a child but was not allowed to eat). So today when I went to pick up my weekly vegetable allotment from the community farm share I decided I’d stop by Trader Joe’s on the way home. Man cannot live on lettuce and fancy tomatoes alone!

I instantly felt overwhelmed as I set foot in the store. The shelves were packed with all kinds of items I had no idea what to do with. Pumpkin spice products galore! I wandered the isles trying to imagine what would be helpful to have on hand. Maybe I could pick up some items that would make cooking easier or a few ready made meals. That’s a thing people do right?

I couldn’t bring myself to actually get anything. I felt myself panicking as the minutes ticked on. I didn’t want to be inside around a bunch of people for very long but I couldn’t figure out what kind of prepackaged foods seemed appealing. I had fantasies about grabbing a frozen meal or a prepared lunch but nothing seemed particularly good. Eventually I found myself panicking and saying “fuck it” and I just grabbed a bunch of novelty items.

Salted macadamia nuts, chocolate wafer cookies, yogurt pretzels, and three packages of licorice. I’ve got no idea I’d I will actually eat any of these snacks but at least I can rely on Alex. Chances are good that I’ll forget about the snacks and in October I’ll go foraging for only to discover that “hon you bought those six weeks ago.” So somebody please remind me to open up the snack drawer before then alright?

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Chronicle

Day 257 and Back to School

Today felt like the first day back to school. Everyone has finally returned from their various summer vacations and I mean that mostly mentally. People are back and focused. The whole damn day was nonstop for me. Like a shift happened overnight.

It’s not that everyone I know actually went anywhere this summer, quite the opposite, most people seemed to have stayed home. But there was a kind of mental “out of office” that pervaded. Maybe it was a bit despondency in certain parts of my network that “hot vax summer” never came to pass. August was a frenzy of people canceling shit.

I kept hearing stories of people that were living normally but I honestly didn’t know anyone that didn’t cope with the Delta surge in some capacity (even if it was simply to say fuck it). Everyone I encountered of all persuasions just seemed to be struggling to live through the summer.

And then today all that lethargy felt lifted. None of the basic on the ground aspects had changed. And yet a levity was in every conversation today. People were planning again. Projects were moving forward. Plans were being made. Big school is back in session energy was there.

Categories
Emotional Work

Day 256 and Helplessness

When I was a child I hated being helped. I was a “Mary quite contrary” type except I wasn’t yet in a profession where that was considered a sign of intelligence. I’d ignore the advice, aid and help of teachers. I preferred to figure things out on my own.

A story that I’m sure will eventually turn apocryphal as I get older involved a horse trainer and needing to be left alone. I was was having trouble with a jump in a group less. My horse kept throwing me and ducking the obstacle. My trainer did his best to give me advice on how to keep my posture and encourage my horse. He kept piling on advice and kept his focus on me. And I kept not making it over the jump.

I probably fucked it up over a dozen times. Eventually my trainer gave up and went to help another pupil. Without the glare of a professional, I finally gathered myself up, held the horse firmly in hand and soared over the jump on the first try.

Holy shit was my trainer pissed. “Julie didn’t need my help at all! The second I turned my head she just handled it herself.” From then on my trainer learned that I’d happily internalize his training but if he kept too close of an eye on my I’d develop a kind of learned helplessness. I’d get worse and not better.

I sometimes wonder if this tendency remains a part of me. I like attention so I’ll accept help if someone is willing to give it to me. The upside to this is I am always learning and questioning. But if I’m not careful I’ll just keep enjoying the benefits of helplessness. But I can’t linger there. Because I know moment I’m left to my own devices I’ll gather up the knowledge and willpower and make it over the jump. But it can be temping to wallow in helplessness.

Categories
Aesthetics Politics

Day 254 and Cultural Hegemony

I did my best to stay off the news and internet today. I went into the mountains and spent the morning walking. I didn’t want to intake discourse about the anniversary of the September 11th attacks. But it’s hard to avoid all discussions of American influence and it’s place in the world. Even when you are watching a tv show. Perhaps especially if you are watching tv. American cultural hegemony is alive and well, even if our political, military and economic might is waning.

I like science fiction so when Netflix suggested a Norwegian horror show about a small town experiencing an environmental apocalypse I clicked watch. It’s called Ragnarok so I was hoping for claustrophobic terror, glaciers and the end times. But aesthetically it feels like I am watching Riverdale or one of the CW “Arrow-verse” teenage dramas. Which is to say it feels very American. I’ve been watching an American television show in Norwegian.

All the music is American. There is hip hop playing as the background music in a small rural Norwegian town. All the clothing is American from the track suits to the basketball shoes. Even the food is American with teenagers enacting personal dramas over baskets of French fries in a diner. The backdrop is a remote village on a fjord but you could easily mistake it for any town America.

This despite the fact that the plot and the cast of characters are all Nordic elder gods. Presumably inheriting a rich culture that is not straight out of Compton. But such is the reach of American culture that it pervades the imaginations of even the remotest and oldest cultural legacies. America may never have had an empire in the geographic sense, but we’ve had a strong hold in your mind. We live there rent free.

But that power was born out of a dynamism we are losing. America won’t be the center of geopolitical or economic power for much longer. Eventually this will slip our cultural power. As we lose the high ground of the world’s imagination other cultures will be emulated.

I’m actually afraid of the end of the empire. Where will I go to be part of building the future if it’s not here? Will I be allowed in? Will I be able to assimilate into whatever culture is making what comes next? I was born into an era of American dominance so manifest that attacks had to be brought through asymmetrical terror. It was impossible to imagine anyone taking on America any other way.

And while it’s true we still hold sway in the far reaches of global imagination, are we headed the way of the Norse elder gods too? Has it already slipped and we kid ourselves that we could fight back to prominence. Maybe Ragnarok already came for America and no one noticed it.

Categories
Chronicle

Day 253 and Lady Troubles

Occasionally I find myself annoyed that women’s bodies are less studied than male bodies. You’d think we’d want to know more about the vessels that produce the heirs to make fortunes. Grumbling about mishandling property rights aside, I do wish we knew a little more about women’s health.

I get migraines when I menstruate. If that particular tidbit of information is too much for you well sorry but maybe it might be helpful if the basic biology of women’s bodies were a little further to the forefront of cultural consciousness. Women talk about it with each other which is why I’ve got a host of folklore on cramps, bloating, headaches, sore breast, and emotional rollercoasters.

I’m fairly lucky to have migraines. It’s marginally more pleasant than what my friends with heavy flows or bad cramps go through. And I say this just having vomited from the nausea that comes with my migraines.

And on that note I’m signing off as I only went on a tangent about the need for more effective study and treatment of women’s health as it’s the only thing I can think of to write about. And I committed to writing something every single day. So here I am writing through the migraine. I bet tomorrow will be more interesting. And I’d be thrilled if later in life we solve for the interplay between hormones and headaches so I never write about this topic again.

Categories
Emotional Work

Day 252 and Women on the Spectrum

I’ve always been an introvert, but this tends to surprise people as I socialize reasonably well. You wouldn’t guess that I find being around others overwhelming and exhausting. I asked on Twitter today if anyone else ever got sensory overload?

I’d accidentally stressed myself by combining an intense physical activity with an intellectually demanding one, forcing myself to process touch, sound, and audio. I received a lot of interesting replies back but one friend asked me gently if anyone had ever tested me for the autism spectrum.

I had not ever considered it. The typical struggles I associated with non-neurotypical spectrums weren’t ones I personally had. But he showed me a fascinating article on how women get missed in diagnosis as their patterns are quite different. What I thought of as autism is the dominant presentation in men. In women it shows up differently for many of them. Naturally it is less studied than in boys and men so we’ve got less scientific study to go on. But these presentations all match me. Do please keep in mind that I don’t know anything about the space, it’s politics, or what is or is not appropriate so go easy on me. I’m just noticing that these are patterns I see in myself.

  • Work very hard to “camouflage” her social confusion and/or anxiety through strategic imitation, by escaping into nature or fantasy, or by staying on the periphery of social activity.
  • Show different sides of her personality in different settings.
  • Be more prone to releasing her bottled up emotions at home through meltdowns.
  • Be exhausted from the work of deciphering social rules or of imitating those around her to hide her differences.
  • Be anxious in settings where she is asked to perform in social situations.

This is interesting enough to me that I’d like to explore further if I might be slightly on a spectrum. Perhaps the exhaustion I feel from socializing is more than simple introversion and should be treated as as something I can accommodate rather than admonish myself over.

I remember spending much of my life working hard to master and emulate social and class markers and behaviors. I didn’t find them confusing. If anything I made a study of it.

I became so good at social cues I would often get praised for it. But I often resented the energy these performances required. When I would express anger or frustration I’d be scolded, told I wasn’t a nice girl, or even told that I was a bad person for not wanting to spend time with people. As an adult I have the choice to use my energy and focus as I see fit.

Categories
Aesthetics Internet Culture Media

Day 251 or NYFW SS08

Today is Star Trek day. The original series debuted 55 years ago. I was searching for a photo of myself as a child wearing a captain’s uniform to commemorate it and instead stumbled upon a file containing my old WordPress blog. So rather than find an adorable picture of me in a red jumpsuit I found this picture from September 10th 2007 waiting for the Marc Jacob’s fashion show.

Several invitations to Marc Jacob’s fashion show for his spring 2008 collection seen from above. A blackberry, an iPhone & a recorder are scattered between wine glasses, a carton of cigarettes and two arms.

I used to be a fashion blogger you see. I have a few dubious CV distinctions, one of which is being the first person to live blog fashion week (at least according to Women’s Wear Daily). In the late aughts just before the Great Recession, it was a hell of a time to work in fashion and I wanted in. Being utterly unqualified I did what any kid would do and started a new media company. It went pretty well, we turned it into an ad tech company, sold it, and survived “RIP good times” but before all of that I partied professionally. A lot of business in fashion used to get done over drinks in fancy hotel lobbies while we all clutched our Blackberries.

This particular photo represents a time when Condé Nast still mattered. I was at the Mercer Hotel with my friend Lauren Goldstein Crowe (also apparently economic writer Felix Solomon). My friend Lauren was the newly installed fashion columnist for the new glossy magazine about money called Portfolio Magazine. We were killing time in the then trendy Soho hotel before the always reliably two hours late Marc Jacob’s show.

I don’t actually remember if I legitimately had an invitation or if I snuck in with Lauren that season. Back in 2007, if you can believe it, social media was considered very uncouth and no one has begun writing “bloggers are taking over the front row” thought pieces yet. Could have gone either way.

Portfolio was the last hurrah of the print behemoths, a glossy magazine dedicated to the culture of finance, so naturally I was appreciative that I could tag along with my much better financed friend. Condé Nast reported spent 100m on the magazine and I appreciate that some small portion of that went to drinks before the fashion of the season. Lauren is an especially erudite editor, of the sort who writes deeply studied long form work, so the fact that Condé Nast was paying to send her to fashion week was pretty decadent. She wasn’t a mid tier market editor who needed to see the clothes. She covers culture so the entire milieu was her domain. The gossip before the shows absolutely counted.

Of course, the business of media couldn’t support that sort of thing forever with changing advertising models and Condé Nast didn’t really keep up with the times. It’s a real loss. People like me ended up winning and it’s been perhaps a net loss for some things that were valuable cultural artifacts.

I spent no more than a couple grand getting our rinky dink operation up and running. We still managed to publish faster than anyone else. I had several meltdowns in service of that effort. In hindsight it was probably a waste but it felt so very new and urgent to be publishing things at the very second a look went down the runway. Now fashion week is an exercise in instant publishing and live-streaming everything from a million perspectives. But the actual studied writers don’t get expense accounts and drivers and corporate Blackberries anymore. If they are lucky maybe they have a blog with a subscription. Lauren knew it even then. She and I slowly occupied the same basic space in the ecosystem. She was just 15 years ahead of seeing it.

Categories
Chronicle

Day 249 and Vacation

The last vacation I went on was a long weekend to Miami in early February 2020. I had been following the outbreak as it unfurled in Wuhan at the time but it was before covid19 became a pandemic. It didn’t appear as if it had made it to America at that point. Three weeks later and I began locking down.

I remember having a terrible migraine on the second day of that vacation. It has been a question as to whether I was healthy enough to travel. We were still stabilizing my ankylosing spondylitis but we hadn’t been on a vacation for over a year at that point as I had spent the summer and fall in and out of hospitals. So we risked it. It seemed like we should at least try to take a vacation. Even sick folks deserve a break.

I took a picture of the darkened bedroom while I rode out my migraine in Miami

In hindsight obviously I’m glad we took a chance and went to Miami. Even if I spent a day of the trip in a dark room. As much as I was early on the pandemic, I didn’t fully appreciate that it would be so long and so restrictive. Even being able to be in a cold hotel room nursing a migraine was an unimaginable luxury for most of the pandemic. I’m so grateful we took that last trip. Sure it doesn’t look particularly exciting but to me I see it as the last time I felt safe traveling.

Now that I’m in Colorado, which is it’s own vacation destination, I don’t feel as much of an urge to get out of town as I did living in Manhattan. Sometimes you do really need to escape from New York. But no one needs to escape from Boulder.

Yet right now I am craving a vacation. I want to feel a change in routine. Hell a migraine inside a hotel is still more exciting than a migraine in my own bedroom. I’m not likely to get on an airplane as the cases are a mess but maybe its time to go somewhere. I hear Aspen is lovely in the fall.

Categories
Emotional Work Internet Culture

Day 247 and Rooting for You

I watched a viral video of a young white American kid who claims to have quit a 100K job in order to pitch YouTube star Logan Paul for a job. It’s really hard to watch because this poor young man just utterly shits the bed on asking his favorite social celebrity to take a chance on him. He can’t even tell Logan what he is best at. He doesn’t know himself and thus cannot capitalize on his moment in the sun to show his worth. Honestly it will break your heart.

The shitty sad part of watching this kid utterly fail at self advocacy is if you are in a position of power you genuinely want to help people if they are clear about how you can do so. No one wants to say no. We all want to get to yes.

Being asked “what are you good at?” is an empathy driven open ended “get me to yes” kind of question. Logan Paul, never a celebrity I’d have previously associated with emotionally empathic, actually encourages this young fan. Even in a short clip he encourages him.

It breaks my heart a little that this kid doesn’t have anything to say for himself. Even saying something small like “ I’m the best getting groceries quickly” would have given him a chance.

I think the reason this hits me hard is that everyone has emotionally been that young man. Asked someone to help and just utterly bombed. I know I’ve taken a swing and asked powerful connected intelligent people to help me and then subsequently failed to rise to the moment. I carry those emotional failures with me. I think we all do. It’s what drives us to be better. Those moments of defeat can remake us for success. They course correct us. But only if we don’t let don’t let those failures beat us for good. We have to see the patterns that brought it into our life, accept that it’s our failure, and let it improve us.

That’s why it’s so important when you are in a position of saying no to someone to do it with as much grace as Logan Paul. I know it’s a weird sentence to type. We owe it to ourselves to there to hear them at their lowest moment with the hope may eventually become the path to their better self. Because surely someone once did that for you. That’s wisdom.

It’s hard getting a concise answer to “why you” and finding and accepting the truth of what you are truly better than anyone else is at is a lifetime of work. Being able to do it when you are young is what makes for a life that will give you satisfaction instead of disappointment.

I genuinely believe we want to help others get there. I used to hate when someone who turned down one of my pitches would say they “were rooting for me.” I thought it was dismissive. Now I choose to understand that that most people want to help you succeed.

If someone accepts time to talk to you it’s probably because human to human they would like to get to yes. I now take “we’re rooting for you” as sincere. Maybe it’s not in some cases but why not default to good intent first?